Monday, February 17, 2014

Red Line in Real Time

This is going to be an unconventional blog post. My best friend and I have a habit of creating long email chains between each other and respond to the chain multiple times a day. The other night, I was on my way to see a friend's improv troupe and I started to respond to the email chain to pass the time on the train. As I was responding, however, a man sat beside me and it was clear that he was one of the typical Red Line Crazies. I started typing a stream-of-consciousness narrative to my friend so that the man wouldn't talk to me (because he was definitely trying to and I was just not in the mood). I thought the email ended up being an entertaining and pretty accurate portrayal of a daily/nightly experience on the Red Line! (I took out the very first sentence since it was in response to what my friend had said in her email and I doubt she'd want me publicizing her work woes. Also, things in brackets are the edits I am making right now so that the whole thing makes a bit more sense.)

Oh shit. So I'm on the train right now. I was starting to respond to [your email and] this man just sat next to me. I'm not looking at him, but he's got a ton of blankets tied around him, he's carrying a broom and drinking out of a 12 liter pop bottle. My music is a bit loud, but I think he was trying to talk to me about a yellow snow bus? Oh good. Now he's just coughing into the air and not covering his mouth. Omfg now he's talking about us being on the island of Argyle or "snow island." That must mean we're arriving at the Argyle stop. No, sir, I am not going to look at you. I'm just gonna keep typing and act like I do not hear him. Nooooo don't set the pop bottle behind my head!!! If that spills on me I will do unpleasant things to you with that broom. 

Also, I stepped in a puddle and now my foot is soaked. Fuckkkkkk. Also, I have a discount code for 2 for 1 tonight -- crazy man, stop hacking up a lung beside my head!!! Omg moveeeeee. Wtf. He's talking again. Hmmm I'm a bit curious now bc I heard something about a fish at the Sears Tower. Okie, I'm gonna start typing what he's saying:

Capture the picture. The picture is stone. Capture the picture. (Deep shit right there. Oh oh, now he's taking a drink again...[Now] he yelped and is staring out the window. Wtf is happening? Damn, he's stopped talking now. Right when I was about to start transcribing. WHOA SIR. YOUR HAND IS VERY CLOSE TO MY THIGH. REMOVE IT PLEASE. Now he's mumbling...I can't understand him. Speak up, please!) What is the phone? I don't want to say no more, not forever. I have my wallet. I only heard that though...Craigslist. He didn't say anything to me, let's see. Can you see that? Don't want to get no dance floors we gonna knock them against the door! We don't need 'em (he's acquired a southern accent all of a sudden). Ah. Pot. Pop? Pot. (Hmmm I just looked up. He doesn't look crazy? Sort of like an older, gaunt Ed Helms.) This is a four mile walk. Wilson to Southport. Then to Thorndale and then the snow on the beach BELMONT. (Belmont's the next stop btw.) Ohhhh the dog Tiga...(ummm. He's reading something [now], but I don't think [it is in] English. I'm hearing "pine cone trees" and something about an avalanche. Is the dog Tiga in [the avalanche]?)

Okay. So I'm off the train now. Funny story -- when the man first got on and tried talking to me, I didn't respond [so] he started talking to a man who was sitting across from us. [That] man got off a few stops ago. Well it turns out [that man] DID NOT get off [the train]! He just moved to the next car to get away from the crazy guy bc he  and I just passed each other at Belmont! This is why you should always wear your headphones on the train, even if you're not listening to music. You can easily ignore people and not look too rude!

I hope you enjoyed this. 

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